dongsaenggie (dongsaenggie) wrote in girlfags,

Struggling with identity

Biologically I'm female, but I identify more as gender neutral. I think my dad wanted a son first so he treated me like a son. He would actually tell me "be a man". I would wear guys clothes growing up because I could get hand me downs from friends and would share clothes with my brother. I preferred spending time with boys instead of girls because honestly girls were boring to me. I'd rather play outside with the guys, climb trees, ride bikes, and play video games. I was the only girl they would let play with them because I was "cool" and other girls were annoying. I'd even have sleepovers with guys and we'd sleep in the same bed. *chuckles* At family friend get togethers if the kids were too young for me to play with I would like listening to the dads talking about science and technology and would always ask them questions. In high school I still preferred to spend time with my guy friends although I did have female friends. Often times I felt as if the guys treated me differently as if I was one of them. We'd playfully punch each other, put each other in headlocks, ruffle each other's hair, but I wouldn't see them doing that with other girls. They were more relaxed about me and would talk naturally with me. Even calling me by a guy version of my name.

I would find myself wishing that I was actually a guy and sometimes when I'd get confused for a guy I would feel happy. My chest is small, but I wish it was smaller. I usually wear sports bras, but I've thought about binding. I don't think I've ever do something like surgery though or hormone treatment. I'm sensitive to testosterone so I already have a deeper voice than most girls and more body hair although I shave because it feels cleaner. When I got to college I was devastated because it was an all women's college. The reason why I chose this college was because I was interested in the joint science program it had with other colleges, but even then there were few guys in my classes. I can only be around women for so long or else I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel awkward around women. Like I can't really be myself because they think it's strange if I do things like put my arm around their shoulder. Part of me I suppose wants to take care of them? If I notice they're cold I take off my jacket and give it to them even when I'm cold myself. I also just don't really understand them. I've never been good at interpreting emotions and picking up signals. I prefer when people are direct with me about how they feel and what they want.

Sexuality wise I would have to say I'm demisexual? I don't know. Personality seems to matter to me more and the more I become attracted to someone's personality the more I become attracted to them physically. For this reason gender doesn't really matter to me so I could swing either way although I prefer men. When I do get along with women, usually they're a bit more tomboyish like me. And those are the kinds of women I find myself being attracted to. I dated one for a year and a half before ending things because I still felt as if I couldn't really understand her and get along with her. She would also treat me like a guy and talk about how she wished I was actually a guy so that I could marry her, take care of her, and have kids with her. I think she was actually straight, but I confused her. When it comes to guys I'm attracted to straight/bi/gay guys as long as they aren't really feminine because then I feel as if I'm manlier.

I get a feeling at times that I'm a gay guy in a girl's body. I want to be a guy, but at the same time I want to date guys. A lot of girls are into Yaoi and boys love. They watch gay porn and ship Korean idols together often times because one is masculine and one is feminine. Yaoi's target audience is females and often times the ukes (bottoms) are usually drawn as smaller and weaker. As if they're no different from flat chested girls. There's always clearly a dom and a sub and the only time I do read Yaoi is when it's seme x seme (top x top). I ship Korean idols together as well such as Yunho and Changmin from TVXQ, but both are manly in appearance and personality compared to Yunho and Jaejoong. Even though Yunho and Changmin may only be friends, the deep bond they share between each other and the partnership and understanding they have is something that I would want in a relationship. The two are balanced. They are equals. Which ends up frustrating people because they can't pinpoint one of them as submissive or bottoming, but I like the concept of switch.

So um.. I'm not sure where else to go with this. It's my first time finding a community like this and I suppose I just felt compelled to share how I feel. Maybe there are other people like me?              

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